2,000 Greater & Lesser Mysteries/2,000 Greater and Lesser Mysteries.iso/internet/mys00997.txt

Internet Message Format | 1994-06-10 | 4.6 KB

Subject: GERBILMANIA: everything you wanted to know but were afraid...

This article is from a syndicated column called, The Straight Dope, and
was written by Cecil Adams.  It was published in the Chicago Reader, sometime
in 1986.

THE STRAIGHT DOPE

> While discussing a gay acquaintance recently, my friend Mary, a nurse,
> lauded him by adding, "and he's no damn gerbil stuffer, either."  When I
> protested that she should not perpetuate cruel stereotypes of our
> homosexual brethren, she informed me that she personally had witnessed a
> fellow admitted by her hospital to remove a deceased gerbil lodged in his
> rectum.  That gentleman is now doomed to be tied to a colostomy bag
> through eternity.  What I'd like to know is, what are the mechanics and
> philosophy of gerbil stuffing?  How are the gerbils inserted and
> retrieved?  Don't they bite and scratch?  Why not hamsters or snakes?  Is
> this a common practice?  My curious friends and I await your reply with
> bated breath. -- Shannon O'Hara, W. Thomas

Let's face it, toots, an awful lot of stuff has been found where that
gerbil was found.  The medical journals list an astonishing array: a
bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an ax handle, a nine-inch zucchini,
countless didoes and vibrators including one 14-inch model complete with
two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9 1/2-inch water bottle, a
deodorant bottle, a Coke bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other
bottles, a 3 1/2-inch Japanese glass float ball, an 11-inch carrot, an
antenna rod, a 150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt frosted bulb, a cucumber,
a screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72 1/2 jeweler's saws (all from one
patient, but not all at the same time, although 29 were discovered on one
occasion), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic toothbrush
package, two bananas, a frozen pig's tail (it got stuck when it thawed),
a ten-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella handle and central
rod, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whiskey bottle
with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a six-by-five-inch tool box
weighing 22 ounces, a six-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter
two cases the patients died due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder
can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut butter jar, candles,
baseballs, a sand-filled bicycle inner tube, sewing needles, a
flashlight, a half-filled tobacco pouch, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses,
a hard-boiled egg, a carborundum grindstone (with handle), a suitcase
key, a syringe, a file tumblers and glasses, a polyethylene waste trap
from the U-bench of a sink, and so on.  In 1955 one man who was "feeling
depressed" reportedly inserted a six-inch paper tube into his rectum,
dropped in a lighted firecracker, and blew a hole in his anterior rectal
wall.  This changed his mood multo rapido.

As for live or recently deceased fauna, rumors of gerbil (and mouse or
hamster) stuffing have been circulating since about 1982, and I know of
at least one case, in 1984, when a Denver weekly printed a confirmed
report of gerbilectomy in a local emergency room.  Unfortunately, such
cases have been slow in making their way into the formal literature of
medicine.  I have checked with numerous sources, including gays, doctors,
and your nurse friend, and though everybody has heard about gerbil
stuffing, there is no consensus on how it is accomplished or how often it
occurs.  The principle is simple: a tube is inserted in the rectum, and a
recently manicured gerbil is induced to run up the tube and burrow in.
There's some difference of opinion about what happens next.  Some say the
gerbil somehow winds up in a bag or sack (perhaps a condom?); others say
no sack is used - the gerbil simply squirms around, eventually dies of
suffocation, and is later eliminated during defecation.  The kick
supposedly is the sensation of fur.  I am skeptical about this, but let's
face it, I am skeptical about this whole damn business.  I should note
that there are nerve endings only in the lower extremities of the rectum,
and thus there is nothing to be gained by shoveling extended families of
gerbils into your lower quadrant.  A word to the wise.

Complications often occur.  Often the rectum and/or anus becomes
lacerated, torn, or infected.  (The Manhattan publication _New York Talk_
reported about a year ago that New York doctors first caught on to
stuffing when they started encountering patients with infections
previously found only in rodents.)  More generally, chronic insertion of
objects (or fists, for that matter) can result in a flaccid anus, a major
turn-off in my book.  Cecil sternly advises caution.  And stick to
mammals your own size.

- Cecil Adams